Sunday, July 19, 2009

Wifey duties 101





My mom went all psycho on me today saying how I was never going to get anywhere in life if I didnt learn the basic necessities to survive as a wife.

::Rolls eyes::

I made sure I took a thorough list of notes to share with you all.

Rule Number 1- The house must remain immaculate in such a manner that someone can lick the floor and eat off of it too.

Rule Number 2- Ladies NEVER eat before the men. Ladies never eat AFTER the men either. They eat once the men have been served dinner, dessert, and tea.

Rule Number 3- The way your tea tastes says EVERYTHING about you. If you serve tea that tastes like crap, looks like water, and smells like death, you have just committed social suicide. You will be exiled and shunned..FOREVER. People will spit in your face. And you will have disgraced your family legacy for all eternity.

Rule Number 4
-A lady never eats until every single one of her guests have been catered to. Basically she doesn't eat until everyone leaves.

Rule Number 5
- Never ever ever ever ever take a spatula and bang it against a pot after you are done stirring your concoctions. No matter how mad you are.

Rule Number 6- When attending to company, do not ask them if they would like a drink. Just give it to them. If you ask them, they will say "No". And then you will feel retarded. Then you will ask again. They will say no. You'll feel stupid all over again. It's a repeated cycle.

Do not ask and pray that they like tap water.

Rule Number 7- The main dish, fish, is a delicatessen. It better look, smell, and taste the opposite of fish. And you better serve your company the best piece of all: the head.

Rule Number 8- Rice on demand. Enough said.

Rule Number 9- You MUST be able to cook with your eyes closed and arms tied all while managing a crying baby, out of town guests, and talking on the phone, and still look like a goddess.

Rule Number 10 - If you can manage a career and being a wife and mother at the same time, Kudos to you! If not, well then, you need to do some prioritizing. And fast.

When all of this is mastered, and you have acquired all the qualities to be the best God damn wife this side of town, you are ready for your debut and your débutante ball...

I.e. The nuptials!


Good luck and God speed.


*Disclaimer: This post was written in jest. These are not the opinions of all moms. Just some. And most of this is CULTURAL GARBAGE.(Bangladeshi culture, to be specific). Nothing that anyone really takes seriously.

19 comments:

Artistic Logic said...

bahahahahah

funnny post

i break this rule all the time: Rule number 5- Never ever ever ever ever take a spatula and bang it against a pot after you are done stirring your concoctions. No matter how mad you are.

Selba said...

LOL

I guess these rules are so true :)

Simply me said...

I can relate to a lot of these rules and I always get yelled at for banging my utensils against the pots. and rule #6 is so funny and so true! My mom always told me to ask "Would you like your tea with or w/o milk?" or "Would you like water, juice or tea?"

Hajar said...

Certain rules do apply in our household... but I couldn't care less! :P

Faith in Writing said...

Lol, I loved the advice on drinks actually. I think that's true. I offer people drinks and they refuse and I may as well just do what my mil does: tea or juice just keeps appearing.
And I always bang my wooden spoon after stirring.. it's such a satisfying part of the cooking process :)
True though. I think this is what my husband expects of me (and I fall waaaaaay short!) he he, ha!

Abstaining Irene said...

These are all the reasons I already know I'm never getting married...pretty funny

Queen said...

i read this and thought to myself this sounds so bangladeshi..... then i read your disclaimer, even in jest all of that is actually true in what i have experienced!

Andhari said...

Oh wow tough one, even Asian culture isnt this tough on wife duties. ANd regular marriage already scares me in the first place. My thoughts are all with you, hope you get a great husband that doesnt stress you out so much someday :)

Soda and Candy said...

Aren't mothers wonderful?

; )

JennyMac said...

Still laughing..and I LOVE #9...

Anonymous said...

This stuff is important.

MarjnHomer said...

i was reading this and knew before i got to the end that it was you. hahah...its true but somebody's gotta do it.

Micaela said...

wow, these are some strict rules...i wouldn't survive because I break these rules all the time :)
xoxo,
Micaela

provoking invoking said...

best entry ever. thanks for this :D

The Demigoddess said...

But even if a woman accomplishes all these things, if her man leaves her for a different woman, it is still her fault. Damn crazy world..

Cheryl said...

...oh god. I'd be the WORST WIFE EVER. My boyfriend's really lucky to have me.

yours truly... said...

I'm kind of having anxiety just reading this list...I'm becoming a nun. Enough said.

fuelMybrain said...

I loved hearing the UNwritten rules that you experience. It's amazing how not simplistic things are.

Sulthana said...

LOL! Great post - I think I failed the test though :D