Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wifey duties 101
My mom went all psycho on me today saying how I was never going to get anywhere in life if I didnt learn the basic necessities to survive as a wife.
I made sure I took a thorough list of notes to share with you all.
Rule Number 1- The house must remain immaculate in such a manner that someone can lick the floor and eat off of it too.
Rule Number 2- Ladies NEVER eat before the men. Ladies never eat AFTER the men either. They eat once the men have been served dinner, dessert, and tea.
Rule Number 3- The way your tea tastes says EVERYTHING about you. If you serve tea that tastes like crap, looks like water, and smells like death, you have just committed social suicide. You will be exiled and shunned..FOREVER. People will spit in your face. And you will have disgraced your family legacy for all eternity.
Rule Number 4-A lady never eats until every single one of her guests have been catered to. Basically she doesn't eat until everyone leaves.
Rule Number 5- Never ever ever ever ever take a spatula and bang it against a pot after you are done stirring your concoctions. No matter how mad you are.
Rule Number 6- When attending to company, do not ask them if they would like a drink. Just give it to them. If you ask them, they will say "No". And then you will feel retarded. Then you will ask again. They will say no. You'll feel stupid all over again. It's a repeated cycle.
Do not ask and pray that they like tap water.
Rule Number 7- The main dish, fish, is a delicatessen. It better look, smell, and taste the opposite of fish. And you better serve your company the best piece of all: the head.
Rule Number 8- Rice on demand. Enough said.
Rule Number 9- You MUST be able to cook with your eyes closed and arms tied all while managing a crying baby, out of town guests, and talking on the phone, and still look like a goddess.
Rule Number 10 - If you can manage a career and being a wife and mother at the same time, Kudos to you! If not, well then, you need to do some prioritizing. And fast.
When all of this is mastered, and you have acquired all the qualities to be the best God damn wife this side of town, you are ready for your debut and your débutante ball...
I.e. The nuptials!
Good luck and God speed.
*Disclaimer: This post was written in jest. These are not the opinions of all moms. Just some. And most of this is CULTURAL GARBAGE.(Bangladeshi culture, to be specific). Nothing that anyone really takes seriously.