Babies.

Now that I am almost done with my exams, quite a few people are asking me when I am going to "give them good news" as they say it in my Indian culture. I have been married for only 18 months and people are already asking me when I am going to have kids. I was engaged for a long time; but living with someone is completely different, irregardless of how long or how well a couple knew each other from before. It's a big adjustment. Babies complicate things and I don't think it's wise to have kids if you are still getting to know and get used to one another.  Unless you have lived together before the marriage. But this isn't permissible in Islam, so that doesn't work here.

I realize that not everyone reading this will know where I am coming from. Time to go off on a mini tangent. Modern day dating in Islam is not allowed. Old school courtship, maybe. But there must be a chaperone. This interaction of getting to know one another is allowed with the intention of marriage. Get to know one's goals, values, see if you're on the same wavelength of faith, etc. It is not an arranged marriage. You can read more about gender relations on our blog here, here and here. Now, I'm not saying that Muslims don't date, it's just not allowed in the religion. Just like there are varying levels of practicing people in any religion, people are on different levels of faith in Islam.

Back to babies.

Soon after our wedding, my husband started residency and I have been studying for my boards. All of them. Both of us have a lot going on and haven't had proper time to enjoy each others company without thinking of all the studying and work that has to be done. There is always something at the back of our minds that has to be done. When I finish an exam and take a break, he has to study or has a busy rotation at the hospital. When he has a rare weekend off {like this one, sigh}, I have to study and we can't just get up and get away for a while. Alhamdulillah, I could not ask for a better marriage and a better husband, but we want to be able to enjoy that time before we have kids. Kids change everything, in a good way. But this phase where we can be selfish and enjoy each others company will never come back once we have kids.

Having children is a very personal thing and I think it's rude to ask someone that question. Yes, children are encouraged in Islam, but it's not a sin to not have them right away. And it certainly is not an obligation to pester someone to have children. What if the couple already had a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages? Or if they can't conceive? Or they are about to split up? Or maybe they are in a rocky relationship and right now is not a good time for children. People constantly asking them is also going to be a constant reminder that they lost a baby/babies or that they cannot have them. And they don't have to announce to everyone they cannot have a baby. They don't need to answer to these people, nor does anyone have a right to ask.

I know it is the "norm" in many cultures to ask this of married couples, but I think it needs to stop. It's their life, let them live it. It's nosy, too. If a couple doesn't have kids, people start speculating that something's going on or something's very wrong. Rumors start to fly. It's totally unnecessary. Some people don't mean it in a bad way, but it sure gets annoying.

A real friend will laugh at/with you, when you tell them about the student who said that they wanted to kill you...

It's November. School has been in session for 51 days (always seems like much more then it really is). And I havent given you all one update from this school year. My apologies for that.

My new class annoys me. Or did in the beginning of the year. I'm getting used to them though, and missing my former students less and less. They've moved on. Forgotten my name. And have given all their love over to their second grade teacher. Whatevs to them. I dont care.

This year's class was proving to be dull and I didnt have much to share, hence the lack of sharing.

Until this week.

Sure I had some stories. Like this one time when I was blending the word "ditch" with my students and asked them to write it down. And was walking around and noticed that majority of them write their "d" as a "b". I kept wondering why the heck my students were writing b****.


And then the time when I asked a student to use the word "tail and tale" in a sentence and he said "My momma said she gon whoop my tail/tale".

But those are eh.

Anywho,I have a student in my class, who I knew from last year (he was retained). He is a very sweet young man, but when he gets upset, theres chaos. He was put on red for punching his sister (shes also in my class) because she wouldnt let him be first in line (Being first in line is sooooooooooooo important to them). He was upset cause he was on red, so he started throwing a tantrum.And I asked him to leave my room, wash his face, look at how silly he looks, stop crying, drink some water, and come back into the classroom when he's ready.

He was willing to do all of that. But from last year's experience, I knew not to send him anywhere on his own because there was a possiblity he would run away, out the door, and down the street. So I sent one of my reliable student's with him.

And when they came back, the reliable student said "He wants to kill you. He told me so in the bathroom."

"What did he say?"

"Uhh...I want to kill her."

He ended up getting suspended for making a comment like this. For one day. And that was that.


I got home and I told my husband.

He told me to quit.

I told some of my friends.

They were worried and concerned.

I told my mom.

She freaked out. Was worried and concerned. And told me to quit.

And then I told C.C.

And she laughed.

And I laughed right with her, cause it was meant to be a funny story to tell.*

Right? Hahaha?

The end.


*Disclaimer: I understand that sometimes we should be cautious of these things and take them very seriously, what with some kids really coming to school with guns and knives ready to kill somebody. But I know this kid. And as soon as he said it, he regretted it and showed remorse, and apologized. And he received a consequence for it. And everything was okay. Alhamdulilah I am alive.

Shibly, the man of cheer

My sister-in-law went on vacation to England to see her family: an uncle, three brothers, and several cousins. Her brother Shibly escorted her and her three kids home.

I briefly spoke to him on the phone many times, while I received and delivered the phone to my sister-in-law.

During those conversations he would joke: You sound like a little girl ha ha ha! (in the gentlest way) I could not help but laugh with him. He told me how he loved my son's name, named after one of the companions of the Prophet Muhammad who's name means "abundance" in Arabic.  And he would encourage me to keep good relations with his sibling who I live with, as a gesture of keeping it real. 

And there he was, in person.

Everyday for a week, Shibly attracted guests, neighbors, and family members to our home. He would sit on the couch and literally all you would hear would be him talking followed by a heartfelt good laugh. Laid back, easy-going and friendly he would generate and carry-on even the dullest of conversations.

For example, my father-in-law asked him, "Is your wife older or is your (younger) brother's wife older?" His wife is older.

Shibly, who has been married for about a decade doesn't have any children, brought a handful of toys for the kids to play with. His wife and he are trying to conceive. They have been trying.

One day while he sat on the couch in the living room, he talked about the treasure of mothers.

A summary of what he said:

Child services are so expensive. In England you could get paid about 350 pounds a week in foster care, or $700. That's a lot of money. On the other hand, a mother doesn't get paid anything. For some women who chose to work (full-time) rob themselves the joy of raising their children and giving them a peace of mind. They are not only expected to bring home money but they are also expected to start their second full-time job as soon as they get home: homemaker and mother. They are on a short-end. Some cannot stand it when their children make noise. When they are excited and loud. By the second time, the kids are in trouble.

For others, mothers leave primary child-rearing to their mothers/mother-in-laws, and that is for free. What do the grandparents get in return? Nothing. Not a payment nor a gift (he meant in general child-caring is just expected of them). Yet childcare is worth at least $700 a week, per child.

All this made me think. I finished my undergrad last December and haven't been "seriously" looking for a job. One of my reasons is to care for my infant son. As a writer, I can find jobs online jobs and petty things. Most of my services end up being for free.

I'm afraid of just what Shibly described; losing precious much-needed time with my son.

I am guilty of leaving my child with his grandparents while I went to school, which I justified through a pre-marriage talk of continuing my education after marriage. I also justified that while he was a baby he wouldn't "miss me as much" or "need as much care" rather than when he was older. It would also be harder for me to leave him home once he was older and understood I was leaving him behind. I was afraid I'd be less motivated to continue my education if I gave up just then (I was in my 3rd year of college when I was pregnant.)

When I was pregnant I thought about giving it all up. At the time I was taking full-time credits, doing an internship and transitioning from single college life to married college life. I was dealing with living in a multi-family multi-complex home. I still live there.

But then I came to my senses. One of my favorite verses in the Quran is: " No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. (2:233)" This verse has given me the strength to carry on every time the road looked rough. God tests us to make us stronger and to bring us closer to Him.

"Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. (64:15)" Subhanallah, Glorious is Allah. 


As parents, our reward on Earth is already mentioned in the Quran too...good treatment and respect from our children.


"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims. (46:15)"

Sometimes we need people who don't have children to remind us of the gifts we have, and the blessings we take for granted.