Sunday, January 30, 2011

You Don't Really Know

Almost every girl I know is trying to get married.

"Youthful Wisdom, please can you find me a guy. I need to get married."

So I'm about to break it down for real right now. I'm so ANNOYED with single people talking about marriage as if its the most amazing thing in the world. I'm FRUSTRATED with girls bringing up the marriage topic all the time. I'm TIRED of girls without guys planning out their extravagant future wedding. I'm SICK of people telling me that I got it easy and that my life is amazing because I'm married to the Hubster. (Alhumdulillah)

It's about time everyone gets a reality check. Marriage is not the most amazing thing in the world. Yes, its awesome but does that it mean that your life is suddenly going to be fulfilled if you're not fulfilled right now? Does it mean that you'll find happiness if you don't know how to be happy one your own? Does it mean that your pathetic life is suddenly going to be filled with spontaneous fun and flavor?

NO. It does not.

Everyone always talks about marriage in the most positive light. As amazing as married life is, its important that we be frank about it. The reality is, marriage is just a continuation of your life, only now with more responsibilities and hardships.  It is the union of two completely different people with different backgrounds, different customs, different ways of living. And now these two people must come together and figure out how to build a life together, in unison.

I don't think people realize how difficult that really is. I don't think people realize how emotionally grueling this process is. Marriage tests you in every facet of your life and if you're patient then perhaps you'll make it through alive and happy. But that does not happen right off the bat.

Statistics say that almost 50% of first marriages result in divorce. Thats one in every two people!! Take a minute to let that sink in. Seriously. The main reasons why: poor communication, arguments, and infidelity.

If you aren't patient, if you don't know how to keep your mouth shut when you're angry, if you don't know how to place others in front of yourself, if you get upset easily, if you complain often, then you need to A) rethink whether you're really ready for marriage and B) understand the reality of this lifestyle change.

My advice to all you singlettes trying to get married: Please please please ENJOY your single life. God gave us different phases of our life so we can grow and learn from them. There is a blessing in being single and there is a blessing in being married. And hopefully you get to enjoy both those blessings. Be grateful for whatever one you're in because you're in one stage or the other because thats what God knows is best for you.

I apologize if this post offended you. I just wanted everyone to know the reality of what they keep asking for.


Irendi said...

You're's the reason I know I'm not ready for marriage :) I've got so much growing to do on my own that I'm not focused on marriage. In fact, one might say I'm slightly commitment-phobic, lol.

In all reality, when the time is right, i'A I'll get married :)

hijabi hippie hypo said...

good post. Thanks for giving us the harsh truth. Marriage is too hyped sometimes, and people need to check if they're actually ready for it.

Sam said...

So true!!!

nelson said...

Hi there. I was blog hopping before I reached here. I am reading a couple of your old posts and I should say you have one cool site.
And you are right, singles should ENJOY being single to the max. It is one happy life phase they should not miss.

Constructive Attitude said...

OMG. I LOVE YOU FOR POSTING THIS. If I wasnt scared enough, now I'm terrified.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for being single. ALHAMDULILAH!!!! ALHAMDULILAH!!! ALHAMDULILAH

Constructive Attitude said...

P.S. I hope that I'm an exception to the "Almost every girl I know is trying to get married" thing. Cause like, yall know how I feel about that.

Jaz said...

So true. Once you're married it's all day everyday and you don't get the chance to just be yourself and do anything you feel like without first considering someone else. It's a great thing to be in a good marriage but it's also a great experience to be single. Every girl should try it and not just get married out of high school.

marjnhomer said...

so true. but as muslim sisters its hard to enjoy the "single" life. i got married young. dont regret it but my parents were strict and didnt let me go out much. so what was i suppose to do?

marjnhomer said...

p.s for a sec i thought this was a post written by Constructive attitude, had to scroll down and see..

Sabirah said...

Great post. I totally hear you on that one. One of my best friends is not married yet and she has a lot of pressure to get married because our "clique" is all married except her. Once she sits with me over coffee and I start telling her some of my difficulties, she always says Alhamdulillah she isn't married yet. I don't know where the sabr comes from, but it's something necessary for marriage to work! Build up your patience girls!!

Btw - Thanks for telling me about your marriage! I'm Pakistani married to a Lebanese. You asked how the interracial marriage is going for me and the fusion of our cultures. It's been quite a struggle, Alhamdulillah. I feel like it can be a battle between the two cultures at times, but we both are learning to compromise. Insha'Allah time will make it better as we grow together. How about for you?

cc said...



cc said...

i'm not actually angry

good post.

cc said...

and remember you were once a girl like that

Simply me said...

What do you have to say about the girls who have to get married at a young age (due to family pressure) and they don't get to "enjoy life" beforehand or are told that they will enjoy life AFTER marriage? What about girls who are immature, can't see others before themselves, have no patience...yet...are married? (I really know someone like this and I am very worried about how everything will turn out =\) Unfortunately not all have the ability to make the choice or realize they are not ready.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to get married or fantasizing about your wedding or even talking about it all the time (Excess...I see can get very annoying, lol). With all that's going on in the media - naked bodies everywhere, sexual tension, premarital sex,'s so easy to get sucked in, to want to know what that feels like...and as Muslims, esp ones who are really trying to stay away from dating or haram, think the next best thing is getting married. Plus with all the pressure girls feel from their parents and from the fact that everyone their age/in their community is getting married, it's natural to want the same thing, you know?

I think with the right person, marriage can be the most amazing thing in the world.

I think the people that really need to get a reality check are people who think that marriage will solve the problems that they have, or think that marriage is an escape to their problems.

And I really really think everyone should take some sort of marriage counseling or classes on Islamic marriage, or read books about marriage...before stepping in...even before finding a guy. I took a few way before hand and I have to say, it really helped bring me down to earth about the reality of marriage and got me semi-prepared, alhamdulillah.

And yes, as CC said, remember you were once like that too ;)

Simply me said...

CA - you are not an exception girl. You need to get married soon. shoooooot

Simply me said...

Oh and I've been thinking about this for a while...I have come to the conclusion that Allah doesn't have marriage written down in everyone's life plan. Yes it's half our deen...I dunno, I could be wrong.

Random thought.

Snake Charmer said...

you will never find happiness if you look for it outside of yourself.

Hamid said...


Agree with your views.

well said and shared.

jazakallahu khairan kaseera.

Youthful Wisdom said...

Okay so lots of comments...thanks for them everyone!

Just to highlight a few points... I understand that some girls may feel trapped in their parents home and what not. But my point was for girls to not obsess about marriage. It will happen when it will happen so be content where you are as you are. As for my own life, I just had why too many suitors ;) which is why I gave up on the male race right before the Hubster weaseled his way into my life somehow (really, only by Divine Intervention).

The second point was that if someone really does want to get married, and thats fine, then they should truly understand what it entails, the good the bad and the ugly. SM you're right that marriage can definitely be amazing with the right person (I can personally attest to that) but at the time it is extremely trying on a person.

Hope that clarifies!

PI said...

sbhA.. you're right.. but this is one of those things you can never tell people. they just have to figure it out for themselves. God willing.

PI said...

..because everyone has different tests! may Allah make it easy for us

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Zainab said...

Great post! A friend sent it to me after I too was complaining about not getting married.
However, I don't see marriage as some amazing omg you be my soulmate sort of deal. I KNOW it's hard hard work! But I suppose for many of us it's hard to enjoy the 'single life' when you...really can't. My parents are very strict and I myself feel emotionally ready for taking that next step. I am patient and not abrasive inshAllah and I want to move on with life. You know what I mean? i feel restless being at home.

ANYWAY I totally get your point. yay.