Monday, March 15, 2010

Family Feud

My sister and I had one of the biggest fights of our lives yesterday. We thought we had figured it out but we definitely didn't. The fight continued on today. It's so strange because we have a very intimate and open relationship so this fight sort of came out of nowhere.

I guess after the dust settled it really made me think about relationships we have with our family members. Why is it that when it comes to family that we feel comfortable enough to raise our voices, to say things we don't mean, to be rude, and so on and so forth but when it comes to everyone else we bite our tongues or keep tighter control of our emotions?

I mean if you think about it which people are more important to treat well? Our families. They're the ones who have been with us and will continue to be with us our entire lives; they're blood and there's no breaking that tie. But everyone just comes and goes.

There's a saying of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, that I really love...

خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ

It roughly translates to: "The best among you is the best of you to his family"

I feel like it has such a beautiful meaning. Anyone can having amazing manners and behaviors with peers, co-workers, even friends. Like when my peer just really pisses me off like no other...what's my response? Usually I won't show that I'm upset. If I feel the need to address it I'll be extremely cordial and cautious not to hurt the person's feelings because I don't want the confrontation to blow up in my face.

But the harder relationship to having amazing manners with is usually our family members. Lets say my sister pisses me off. What's my reaction then? I might be calm for a little bit but if she really pushes my buttons I'll go off on her. "What the heck is you freaking problem, woman?!?" And its funny because most of us probably do this and don't really think about the confrontation blowing up in our faces.

But the question is WHY?? I have a few reasons simmering in my mind but I want to know what you all think? Why is it so easy for us to treat outsiders with good manners but we're so lax with our families?


B said...

Man, we always have fights just like that at home. It's always my sister or my dad. Sigh.

Constructive Attitude said...

we have fights like that at home too. and ur right.

But i dont think every single other person thats not "family" comes and goes though.

There are some family that I'm not even close to, and dont care to be close to.

Rationality said...

Nice topic...
Well I wrote a post in my blog few days ago complaining about people. They are extremely enigmatic. To me if you ask me what is the most difficult and impossible thing you ever faced in your life my answer would be getting people. I can't really get them. Sometimes they just shock me by unpredictable action. It hurts when you sympathize with someone close to you and you get shocked by kind of rude respond. And anyone has the possibility to respond you by saying sort of weird words which are really harsh and it let you in shock at the end.

Getting people needs flexibility and internal power which makes us absorb the blown out of our faces and keep silent for a while. We have to give people chances and time to think. Keeping silent makes people feel sorry and regret what they did coz of such wisdom and cold reaction.

Besides we have to give ourselves a time to be silent. Anger makes people blind, we can’t really think when we pissed off and that push us to throw words ended with contriteness but after what? After hurting people? People who are so close to our souls? Sometimes harsh words hurt more than hitting and it left a scar in hearts for ages which we can’t even be erased. Apologizing does not do anything to people when we really hurt them even if they accepted it there would be wound inside. To avoid such mess and keep our tongues pure we have only one key. There is a famous quote says silence is wisdom I believe in it because it won’t force us to cross lines with people even if they do. Silence makes people look great and teaches people how to be patients.
Our prophet Mohammed peace be upon him said” don’t be mad, don’t be mad don’t be mad”. He refined it triple times for insurance. The point is in practicing ourselves, and believe me sometimes the outdoors relationships could be much stronger than ones connected with blood. That kind of relationship could not be gone with wind like any superficial ones. I think we just try to be good in front of outdoors but we got off our masks at homes.
By the way, when you really love your sister its normal thing to argue and have a fight with her but when you do try to do it politely. We are not living in heaven that is life so there is nothing perfect here but we can keep seeking the perfection at least.
Thaaaaanks for your great pen and thoughts sis ^^

Margie said...

I remember when I was a teenager and I had a fight with my sister and some unkind things were said.
To till very day, I still feel bad about it but we are very close now and the best of friends.

I always want to treat my family and friends the way I want to be treated.

I'm sure it will all be ok with your sister.

Margie :)

Little T said...

Friends can walk away. Family is here to stay. I think that is why. Plus I think because you grew up together you have the ability to get under one another's skin way more than your average co-worker or pal. I agree. My sister and I can be so incredibly mean to each other but we always know we will work it out and be a part of each others lives forever.

Farah said...

Salam! I've been reading your blog for awhile, but never commented.

It didn't really occur to me till now but I think the wisdom behind the hadith is that it's so hard to be polite to family and if you are it's an amazing feat.

The only reason I can think of that it's so easy to be rude to family is that you're always around them. If someone who isn't family is annoying you, you know you won't have to put up with it for long. Whereas if my younger brother, for example, is singing some Sami Yusuf song, there's no telling if he'll ever stop (he sings in his sleep too).

supreem said...

a couple of reasons
1- we assume our family will ultimately forgive us
2- we can be 'real' with them
3- they know what buttons to push to make you flip.

that's what i think, anyway. :s