The Death Scare

I got the shivers as I watched Grey's Anatomy, a show on doctors and surgeons who do their jobs and intermingle with life.

Tonight's episode revolved around deaths.

I got the chills.

Although I've never watched a full episode of the show before, today I think I was meant to watch it.

My eyes were glued to the TV. My son was sprawled on my lap as he tried to fall asleep. My heart wept. I wept.

I turned off the TV, put my child to bed and went to pray Isha, the night prayer, or the last prayer of the day. I felt the presence of death. The reminder of having to one day pass away.

In a hadith, saying of the Prophet Muhammad, he said we should not wish for death. Be optimistic.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "None of you should wish for death. If he does good, he may increase in it, and if he does evil, he may turn in repentance." [Agreed upon. This is the version of al-Bukhari]

In another hadith, the Prophet said, death is one of those things we can wish for when we feel like we are not doing our best. To me that means, there are times we all wish for death (although we may not mean it). Again, be optimistic, and wish for the best.

Anas reported: "The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'None of you should wish for death because of some harm which has befallen him. If he has got to do something, he should say, 'O Allah, make live if life is best for me and make me die if death is best for me." [Agreed upon].

Knowing time is short makes us want to do the best things in life - in just the right time. The Prophet said, the smartest people are those who prepare for death, and use this time wisely.

Today I felt my prayer was more bonding with God. We all need a good "death scare" to waken us up spiritually.

What do you think? Share your experiences!

To eat or not to eat?

My father-in-law went to the hospital a few days ago. He had just returned from a weeklong stay, 4-5 days prior. He was treated for anemia, possible pneumonia, and coronary heart disease. He came home yesterday after treatment for hyperklemia (high potassium), chronic kidney failure, anemia, gastritis, and other conditions.

He has diabetes, high blood pressure, hypertension, a pacemaker (he had several heart attacks). He takes nearly a dozen medications.

He's 80.

Usually when he gets home from his twice-a-year hospital stays, the family begin their lectures: don't eat unhealthy foods, drink more water, walk more. Sit up. Don't always sleep.

His diet is "kept under control" for 2-3 weeks after he returns from the hospital.
Then the complaining begins. He'll say he can't stand the food. No one cares about his feelings. He says, he is dying. He gives my mother-in-law a full-blast guilt trip. While my sister-in-law and I encourage her to ignore his bad food requests, he gives her the "You don't care about me, don't you?" speech.

In our culture it is understood if an old person wants to eat the way they want, their wishes are to be respected for they may not have long to live. In theory it is a beautiful treatment of our elders, while in reality it is a speedy way to get to death.

While the family repeatedly tell him to keep his health in check, it all goes away after a few weeks. They have their own health issues to worry about.

My mother-in-law gives us her own guilt trip. "You will understand someday..." she says, speaking of restrictions we may face in food eventually.

My brother-in-law is probably the only one who actively tries to keep his health in check in this home. It's hard in a house where food is loved and prepared with care. The tastier the food is, the happier spirits are. While some enjoy the food spicy, others cannot tolerate it. While some eat this, others rather eat that. It can be tough living with many people.

I have my own spicy-limit food tolerance. But I ignore it most of the time until my body shuts down. Having to prepare separate meals makes me anxious. Nervous.

Maybe my mother-in-law sees it the same for my father-in-law. Maybe it makes her uncomfortable to serve him "less tasty" food than the rest of the family." It almost seems as if he is being restricted from food altogether.

When we are allowed to eat something "better than him" we are reminded to keep it hush-hush.

Meanwhile the family will make their routine visits. Health tips will keep pouring in. People will go on with their lives. And so will he until his body cannot take it anymore. Once again. (God knows best).

May God give us the wisdom strength and perserverance to carry on.

Although Muslims and many others don't believe that December 25th was Jesus's true birthday, I thought I'd post story of Jesus's birth from the Chapter of Mary in the Qur'aan. I also posted a link below if you wanted to hear and read the entire chapter! The Arabic is quite soothing.

Happy Holidays! :)

Chapter of Mary: Verses 15-30.

وَاذْكُرْ فِي الْكِتَابِ مَرْيَمَ إِذِ انتَبَذَتْ مِنْ أَهْلِهَا مَكَانًا شَرْقِيًّا 

And remember, in the Book the story of Mary, when she withdrew from her family to a place toward the east.

فَاتَّخَذَتْ مِن دُونِهِمْ حِجَابًا فَأَرْسَلْنَا إِلَيْهَا رُوحَنَا فَتَمَثَّلَ لَهَا بَشَرًا سَوِيًّا 

And she took, in seclusion from them, a screen. Then We sent to her Our Angel, and he represented himself to her as a well-proportioned man.

قَالَتْ إِنِّي أَعُوذُ بِالرَّحْمَٰنِ مِنكَ إِن كُنتَ تَقِيًّا 

She said, “Indeed, I seek refuge in the Most Merciful from you, [so leave me], if you should be fearing of Allah .”

قَالَ إِنَّمَا أَنَا رَسُولُ رَبِّكِ لِأَهَبَ لَكِ غُلَامًا زَكِيًّا 

He said, “I am only the messenger of your Lord to give you [news of] a pure boy.”

قَالَتْ أَنَّىٰ يَكُونُ لِي غُلَامٌ وَلَمْ يَمْسَسْنِي بَشَرٌ وَلَمْ أَكُ بَغِيًّا 

She said, “How can I have a boy while no man has touched me and I have not been unchaste?”

قَالَ كَذَٰلِكِ قَالَ رَبُّكِ هُوَ عَلَيَّ هَيِّنٌ ۖ وَلِنَجْعَلَهُ آيَةً لِّلنَّاسِ وَرَحْمَةً مِّنَّا ۚ وَكَانَ أَمْرًا مَّقْضِيًّا 

He said, “Thus [it will be]; your Lord says, ‘It is easy for Me, and We will make him a sign to the people and a mercy from Us. And it is a matter [already] decreed.’ “

فَحَمَلَتْهُ فَانتَبَذَتْ بِهِ مَكَانًا قَصِيًّا 

So she conceived him, and she withdrew with him to a remote place.

فَأَجَاءَهَا الْمَخَاضُ إِلَىٰ جِذْعِ النَّخْلَةِ قَالَتْ يَا لَيْتَنِي مِتُّ قَبْلَ هَٰذَا وَكُنتُ نَسْيًا مَّنسِيًّا 

And the pains of childbirth drove her to the trunk of a palm tree. She said, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten.”

فَنَادَاهَا مِن تَحْتِهَا أَلَّا تَحْزَنِي قَدْ جَعَلَ رَبُّكِ تَحْتَكِ سَرِيًّا 

But he called her from below her, “Do not grieve; your Lord has provided beneath you a stream.

وَهُزِّي إِلَيْكِ بِجِذْعِ النَّخْلَةِ تُسَاقِطْ عَلَيْكِ رُطَبًا جَنِيًّا 

And shake toward you the trunk of the palm tree; it will drop upon you ripe, fresh dates.

فَكُلِي وَاشْرَبِي وَقَرِّي عَيْنًا ۖ فَإِمَّا تَرَيِنَّ مِنَ الْبَشَرِ أَحَدًا فَقُولِي إِنِّي نَذَرْتُ لِلرَّحْمَٰنِ صَوْمًا فَلَنْ أُكَلِّمَ الْيَوْمَ إِنسِيًّا 

So eat and drink and be contented. And if you see from among humanity anyone, say, ‘Indeed, I have vowed to the Most Merciful abstention, so I will not speak today to [any] man.’ “

فَأَتَتْ بِهِ قَوْمَهَا تَحْمِلُهُ ۖ قَالُوا يَا مَرْيَمُ لَقَدْ جِئْتِ شَيْئًا فَرِيًّا 

Then she brought him to her people, carrying him. They said, “O Mary, you have certainly done a thing unprecedented.

يَا أُخْتَ هَارُونَ مَا كَانَ أَبُوكِ امْرَأَ سَوْءٍ وَمَا كَانَتْ أُمُّكِ بَغِيًّا 

O sister of Aaron, your father was not a man of evil, nor was your mother unchaste.”

فَأَشَارَتْ إِلَيْهِ ۖ قَالُوا كَيْفَ نُكَلِّمُ مَن كَانَ فِي الْمَهْدِ صَبِيًّا 

So she pointed to him. They said, “How can we speak to one who is in the cradle a child?”

قَالَ إِنِّي عَبْدُ اللَّهِ آتَانِيَ الْكِتَابَ وَجَعَلَنِي نَبِيًّا 

[Jesus] said, “Indeed, I am the servant of Allah . He has given me the Scripture and made me a prophet.

A real friend will laugh at/with you, when you tell them about the student who said that they wanted to kill you...

It's November. School has been in session for 51 days (always seems like much more then it really is). And I havent given you all one update from this school year. My apologies for that.

My new class annoys me. Or did in the beginning of the year. I'm getting used to them though, and missing my former students less and less. They've moved on. Forgotten my name. And have given all their love over to their second grade teacher. Whatevs to them. I dont care.

This year's class was proving to be dull and I didnt have much to share, hence the lack of sharing.

Until this week.

Sure I had some stories. Like this one time when I was blending the word "ditch" with my students and asked them to write it down. And was walking around and noticed that majority of them write their "d" as a "b". I kept wondering why the heck my students were writing b****.


And then the time when I asked a student to use the word "tail and tale" in a sentence and he said "My momma said she gon whoop my tail/tale".

But those are eh.

Anywho,I have a student in my class, who I knew from last year (he was retained). He is a very sweet young man, but when he gets upset, theres chaos. He was put on red for punching his sister (shes also in my class) because she wouldnt let him be first in line (Being first in line is sooooooooooooo important to them). He was upset cause he was on red, so he started throwing a tantrum.And I asked him to leave my room, wash his face, look at how silly he looks, stop crying, drink some water, and come back into the classroom when he's ready.

He was willing to do all of that. But from last year's experience, I knew not to send him anywhere on his own because there was a possiblity he would run away, out the door, and down the street. So I sent one of my reliable student's with him.

And when they came back, the reliable student said "He wants to kill you. He told me so in the bathroom."

"What did he say?"

"Uhh...I want to kill her."

He ended up getting suspended for making a comment like this. For one day. And that was that.


I got home and I told my husband.

He told me to quit.

I told some of my friends.

They were worried and concerned.

I told my mom.

She freaked out. Was worried and concerned. And told me to quit.

And then I told C.C.

And she laughed.

And I laughed right with her, cause it was meant to be a funny story to tell.*

Right? Hahaha?

The end.


*Disclaimer: I understand that sometimes we should be cautious of these things and take them very seriously, what with some kids really coming to school with guns and knives ready to kill somebody. But I know this kid. And as soon as he said it, he regretted it and showed remorse, and apologized. And he received a consequence for it. And everything was okay. Alhamdulilah I am alive.

Islam for the Muslim Dummy

That would be me.

The Muslim dummy.

Considering I have so many people in my life with Islamic knowledge, I feel like I know nothing about Islam. I lack motivation. For the life of me, I can't self-motivate myself. And once, after much time, I am motivated, I feel like I lack resources and teachers. For some time, my friends have been my main source of learning and knowledge. But since every one of them has kind of gone their own separate way and busy schedules leaving everyone drowning in God knows what, my friends and I haven't been able to connect----Islamically, I guess you could say.

But yeah.

Anyways, so recently I experienced two things that most Muslims experience very early in their life. Or at least by their prime years. And here I am experiencing it in my mid 20's.

I went to visit the graveyard and I went to the mosque for Eid prayer.

I don't think many of my close friends know this about me. Normally I would have felt kind of embarrassed to admit this. But right now, I think I can get past it. Or at least force myself to, in order to share the story.

I recently got married (Finally!??? And Alhamdulilah!) and since I've gotten married, I've talked to my husband about my maternal grandfather a lot. As I've mentioned before, I lost my maternal grandfather a couple of years ago to cancer. And I've always referred to nana as my partner in my crime. So since getting married, I've always felt that missing piece knowing that my grandfather wasn't there to celebrate this joyous occasion with me and my family and is not able to get to know my husband. Nonetheless, it's something I've learned to not think about or dwell on.

Since my grandfather passed away though, I haven't had the courage to visit his grave site. It's something that I chose not to do because I felt like I wasn't emotionally ready to do so. I knew that I couldn't handle seeing his name on a tombstone and think about how he wasn't around anymore. It just became a personal choice of mine to not visit his grave. And I know some people might think it's a bit harsh and a bit inconsiderate considering the relationship my grandfather and I had, however I don't feel the need to defend this.

So along came my husband, and I wanted him to know my grandfather. My sisters, my husband, and I were near the graveyard one day and my sisters suggested going to the graveyard and sending our blessings to everyone we knew that was buried there, including my grandfather. I said that I would stay in the car and send my peace and blessings from the car. But my husband insisted that I go and told me that it would be okay if I went and how in Islam, Muslims believed that there was a reward for visiting the deceased and sending your peace and blessings to them. And praying for them and their soul and their mercy.

So reluctantly I obliged. And I went into the graveyard. And I saw many people I knew that had passed away.

And it was hard.

Harder then I thought it would be.

And it was definitely a learning experience.

Second thing I've very recently experienced was going to Eid prayer. This Eid being the Eid where we commemorate and remember Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him) and Eid falling on a Sunday, I was able to attend the prayers with my husband. It was such a happy day for me. I felt like such a kid going to the candy store. I was in awe by things that might be mundane for everyone else. And I was nervous and felt like I would make mistakes. So I asked my husband to tell me what to expect and what to do. I even learned about some traditions and customs that are performed in the masjid during this particular Eid. And I also learned about the pilgrimage that Muslims make to Hajj during this time. And lastly in the lecture, or khutba that, the imam (leader of the mosque), I finally heard the full story about Prophet Ibrahim and the sacrifice he was willing to make for God.

And yes, it is sad that I didn't know that story.

It's also sad that I'm experiencing this so late.

But I'm very grateful that I was able to.

Alhamdulilah. I feel incredibly blessed.

H A P P Y  'E I D  E V E R Y O N E ! ! ! 

May God accept the prayers of all those who are observing the Hajj. 

And may He accept the prayers of all of us around the world! Ameen!

 Have a wonderful Eid! 

And as a friend says Happy Sheep Day (like happy turkey day for Thanksgiving...get it? Lol) 

Cat, Spider, and I

A couple days ago I had an incident with a spider. It was quite the confusing and adrenaline filled incident. It mostly involved me watching a spider go around in a circle 10 times around the light on my ceiling for almost 10 minutes (the spider took several breaks and went off course several times). Eventually I decided I could not trust this spider to continue staying on the ceiling and circling around the light in full view for the rest of the night. So I got my cat involved.
Correction: I TRIED to get my cat involved.
I awakened the said cat and started communicating to her that she has a job to do.
Said cat, however, just stared at my hand motions and blinked sleepily a few times. I tried pointing but said cat just followed my hand's motions back and forth.

Eventually I gave up and told said cat that I shall have to do this myself.
I rather liked the said spider. It was cute in the way it harmlessly circled. But, the thought of cute spider crawling on me while sleeping was not cute anymore. And if I cannot trust said cat to listen to me, I sure cannot trust a cute spider.
I contemplated capturing the said cute spider and unleashing it to the outside world. Oh the havoc it would spread.
But that method usually involves a lot of complications and yelling and screw ups.
And I was tired.
So I went with the unfortunate route.
I first asked the said cute spider to leave on its own three times. (No one wants a random animal to attest against you on the Day of Judgement in front of God)
Then I grabbed the closest napkin and showed said cat how to kill a spider.
But I was not to be lucky; the said cute spider fell on my bed when I swiped at it with my napkin. Panic ensues. Adrenaline squirming.
It was a game of cat and mouse. Only it was confused human and said cute spider.
Spider ran, I ran. Spider hid, I searched.
Eventually I found Spider as it ran on to my laptop.
And it was the end of Spider.

Said cat, that was observing the whole time, stood up as though to pay its respects either to said spider or to confused human. It even sleepily came over and sniffed the napkin that held Spider, approved, and then walked back over and lied down to sleep

It was a weird experience between a spider, a cat and a human. And as I type this, a wonder if I should have built an enclosure for Spider and kept it. Sure, it would have been the weirdest thing and I would have definitely crossed the weirdo line but it was not an ordinary spider.
It was said cute Spider.

From God we come, and to Him we return. {An Islamic prayer recited upon hearing the death of someone or in this case, a spider}

Okay so I've been on a soup rage. Every weekend I make 3-4 quarts of hearty soup for the entire week. Its been absolutely amazing, very very filling, and perfect for the winter! Here's the recipe I use. The bulk of the work is in chopping everything.

Ingredients:

1 butternut squash cut in 1/2 inch cubes  (or a Zucchini, or 2-3 yellow squash, or a mix of both!)
1 chicken breast (1/2 inch cubes)
1 red onion chopped
1-2 garlic cloves diced
Spices: palmfuls of oregano, lemon pepper, paprika, and chopped parsley, and salt and pepper to taste (sometimes I add thyme, chives, and cajun)
1-2 carrot stick peeled and chopped
1-2 celery sticks chopped
1/4 cup tomato sauce
1/2 cup barely or bulgar washed
1 cup mixed beans washed (white beans, black eyed peas, kidney beans, chick peas, lima beans, pinto beans, etc) --> I just use prepackaged mixed beans bags
2 chicken or beef bouillon cubes
3-3.5 quarts water

Directions:

1- Boil water in a 4 quart pot with the bouillon cubes. Add all washed beans and barely and let it boil on med-high.
2- In a wok warm 3 tbsp oil and add onions. Once the onions are soft and pink, add garlic and chicken. Cook the chicken until opaque white and add all the spices. Next add all the chopped vegetables and tomato sauce. Cook for about 5-7 minutes until everything is a bit softened.
3- Transfer all the vegetables into the pot with water and keep on high. Add any extra salt or spices needed. (If you feel it tastes too tomato-ey then just add a bit of sugar or cinnamon)
4- Let it cook mostly covered for about an hour. If you have a pressure cooker you can cook in there for about 20 minutes.
5- Enjoy with toast or croutons!

You can play around with the recipe and add other vegetables like broccoli, potato, etc. Hope you enjoy it!

Qaddafi

I wonder if he knew today would be his last?

Did he know people would not show mercy on him.

Did he expect his body to be dragged,

Through the streets for people to see?

All leaders have to end,

Great or some not so great.

Insecurities

When you find fault in everyone else, you are the one who needs to change.

With the right intention and a little bit of effort, you can make the world turn up.

Bittersweet are the memories of the past,

Of struggle dismissal and finding out who we are.

Inspiring are the tales of ancients,

Who've lived their lives fighting just to accomplish one dream.

Love your neighbors, you're odd family members...

But most importantly love yourself.

You never know what you can accomplish.

The more you look into your heart the more you'll see the good in others.

Peach Cobbler

This peach cobbler is super easy to make. I've made it twice with great reviews. I wish I could make it over and over until peaches go out of season! I don't believe in using frozen berries for anything other than smoothies and cold things. Eat it warm with vanilla ice cream. It's delicious and you'll love it. :)


My photo isn't that great, but I made two batches last time since we had a lot of people over. Photo credit, my SIL with her cell phone. 

Here's the link and the recipe is below. 

Ingredients

• 4 cups peeled, sliced peaches
• 2 cups sugar, divided
• 1/2 cup water
• 8 tablespoons butter
• 1 1/2 cups self-rising flour
• 1 1/2 cups milk
• Ground cinnamon, optional

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Combine the peaches, 1 cup sugar, and water in a saucepan and mix well. Bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from the heat.

Put the butter in a 3-quart baking dish and place in oven to melt.

Mix remaining 1 cup sugar, flour, and milk slowly to prevent clumping. Pour mixture over melted butter. Do not stir. Spoon fruit on top, gently pouring in syrup. Sprinkle top with ground cinnamon, if using. Batter will rise to top during baking. Bake for 30 to 45 minutes.

To serve, scoop onto a plate and serve with your choice of whipped cream or vanilla ice cream

The only "downside" to this is that it requires self-rising flour. I did not have self-rising flour but followed a recipe to make some. I didn't see myself using the flour often enough to go buy a bag. But it turned out great either way. I am lazy so next time I think I'll just buy some self-rising flour. 

Mid-Week Pick me up

Last week a group of people and I were talking about how Muslims are portrayed in the Media humorously and what is and isn't tasteful. Someone brought up The Simpsons episode "Mypods and Boomsticks." It's about a Jordanian boy named Bashir, whose family recently moved to Springfield. Homer's friends convince Homer that the Bashir's family is a terrorist and he sets out to investigate.

I just watched it and thought it was pretty funny and wanted to share it in case you haven't seen it. It's worth a watch. Let me know what you think. :) click HERE to check it out.

From Sanskrit

"Yesterday is already a dream and tomorrow is only a vision, but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope."

*Photo taken by me on Sept 3, 2011 in Manistee, Michigan 

Floating hyoid bone: miracles of the body

About three weeks ago I went to see an ear nose and throat doctor, an ENT, to check out the lump in my throat caused from a "choking sensation" and following a 6-hour emergency room stay.

After having two resident doctors and an ENT look at my throat, he said my hyoid bone, located above the thyroid bone, may have slipped out of place. It is the only free-floating bone in our bodies which is snuggled between two muscles. It helps us pull things down (swallow) or pull things up through the throat (vomit?).

The doctors put a slim long tube down my throat, while I said, "e-e-e-e", puffed up my cheeks or swallowed by instruction during a Laryngoscopy, an examination of my throat. My father, who took me to the doctor, watched behind me peeking on at some points and squirming as he saw the long tube make it's way through.

"Looks good," noted the main doctor, who made a few references and points while he explained the different parts of my throat. No allergies or there would be redness at the top of your throat, he said. He also found a node, or a bump, on one side of my throat, but noted it was not cancerous following the tests. Alhamdulillah, thank God.

My visit ended with a prescription for Motrin 800 mg, to be taken as needed. The other option was getting a steroid injection on the left side of my throat where the "lump" hurt. Two Motrin have put me back on track.

So here's to trying to live "back to normal" again.

I blame it on the kids in Humble, Texas

Me: "I think. I think. I think I want an apple"

Mom: "OH! Say bismillah maybe there's one left!"

Me: "Ummm....that's the randomest reason but okayyy...Bismillah. Oh sigh. This house is sad"

Mom: "This house isn't sad. Why are you talking like that? Be grateful"

Me: "No I mean the scavengers...aka my brothers won't even leave healthy food alone for anyone...Anyways, there's no apples"

Mom: "Oh I have one in my purse. One of the other teachers has an apple tree and gave me one"

Me: "Randomm...."

Mom: "You know what they say, be as humble as an apple tree, right?"

Me: "I've never heard of that"

Mom: "Cuz apple trees give so, so, so much fruit. It's amazing"

Me: "There is no saying about humbleness and apples"

Mom: "That's why in life, you should always learn to be humble"

Me: "You're doing that thing again where you're ignoring me. There's no such saying"

Mom: "Yeah it's amazing when you look at an apple tree that's bearing fruit. That saying comes to your mind. And it was such a famous saying..But is that how it goes? I can't remember how it goes exactly"

Me: "I'm just going to go back upstairs"

Mom: " Look up the saying for me and tell me how it goes exactly"

Me (five minutes later): "I looked it up. It doesn't show anything. Google showed something about some kids named Apple Tree kids who lived in Humble, Texas. But I doubt that's what you're talking about"

Mom: (doesn't hear me at all) " CC!! I thought you wanted the apple? Why aren't you eating it? You never eat anything healthy for you! And the one time you even bring it up you don't even eat it! You don't ever listen! And then you complain about your brothers! This house isn't sad. You're sad!!! "

Me: ...............

Learn to Learn

My sister and I were having a conversation one day about school. She had told one of her teachers that she wanted to go into education so she could become a high school or middle school teacher. Her chemistry teacher told her that she shouldn't go into education because the job market is not good for teachers.

Sure, sounds like reasonable enough advice right? But what is this chemistry teacher's premise? It is that we get an education in order to solidify a job.

What about getting an education to be an educated person??

I had some friends over and we were talking about how college really just made us become learners for the sake of getting good grades and completing our credits. I barely ever studied in undergrad. I just did the minimum required in order for me to get my A and forget about the class after the semester was done. But now that I'm in grad school I have subjects that are specialized in what I actually care about learning and understanding. Like this one linguistics course I'm taking, for instance. The professor wrote a bunch of articles and books that I read before coming to the course so I was really exciting to study under her. The way she runs things is that we read each week, discuss material, and write a few papers. There are no exams. Honestly I love this way of learning but I'm engaged, keeping up with all the readings, and actually understanding and applying what we're discussing in my work. I'm not worrying about what I need to remember to do well on an exam.

So that is it. I am going to go back to school...but this time around just to be a well-educated and well-read individual. No registrations, no fees, no deadlines, and no exams. Just pure learning for the sake of learning. I started with www.khanacademy.org which is an AWESOME tool for everyone. Right now I'm watching the videos on Organic Chemistry.

I used to be pre-med before I switched over to the social sciences. Don't get me wrong, I love the social sciences and I definitely love my job and what I'm pursuing right now. But I remember that I used to looovee my math and science courses and I really miss them! So far the first few videos of Orgo have been challenging but interesting and engaging.

What have you always wanted to learn?

Everyone has their own problems

When something bad happens in your life, it can either break you, define you or strengthen you. I'm not sure where that paraphrased quote is from, but it's amazing the truth it sums in one sentence.

Now I'm not claiming to be struggling with a life changing experience. And it's true, everyone has their own problems. And everyone deals with them.

I read somewhere once if everyone were to put their problems in the middle of the room together, in front of everyone else, they would happily take back their own problems. Maybe it's because our own problems are the ones we are comfortable with or maybe it's because as the Islamic saying goes, God only gives that which you can handle. Or maybe it's a little of both.

Now I've had my fair share of struggles. Minor ones, and maybe from other peoples' perspectives more minor ones. But growing up with constant, multiple stressors bearing down on you is not fun. I went through most of my life feeling as though there was a very heavy bag of bricks on my back and I just couldn't get rid of it. And much of the time, it felt as though there were several bags. But I was pretty good, and I used to make myself forget about those bags of bricks when I needed to.

If you know me, and you're going through your own trials, you may question the reality or severity of my stressors or if you know me you may know about some of those bags of bricks. I've never felt the need to discuss or openly divulge about everything in my heart and mind, but I have come close. I never felt the need, because for me it was stress, no matter how suffocating, that belonged to me alone and I was never one to ever feel defeated or beaten down enough to confess everything. Even in times when my emotions would catch me off guard, and I would be caught in feelings of sadness or weariness, I believed that the only one that can make me feel better is me. And so I would pick myself up and move on, in my own topsy turvy way.

Along came professional school. And stupid, petty stressors seem to be consuming my life. Whatever I face in school, these petty frustrations, are truly idiotic in comparison with what I had to deal with emotionally growing up. Yet here I am, in my second year, recognizing that feeling of defeat, loss and frustration that have become too familiar to me. And I'm seeing the effects of these feelings in my life.

I see myself pushing many of my friends out. Looking for places and ways to heal in my own solitude. Wanting to be isolated but at the same time not wanting to lose those around me. I try harder to hold on to some of them but it's weird.

If it wasn't for my cat and where I was before school began, I think I would be losing myself to the negativeness in my life a lot faster.
I thank God for my cat.


My friend told me something over the phone a few days ago, "Allah is helping you, you just can't see it"
And it took me a few minutes after that phone call for that sentence to strike me. And I've repeated it to myself several times since. And I believe it, I really do.

As I take a look around right now at everyone around me, I reflect on how everyone really has their own problems to deal with, and we each struggle in our own way.

CC, out

EDIT: This post has been edited. I'm sorry this post is so dampy. And if you've been checking back over and over again, I'm sorry about the repetitive changes.
And yes, you do have permission to use that incredibly, creative word.

Your Life Before Your Death

There was a death in the community the day before yesterday. The funeral was yesterday. I did not know or meet the woman or her family but I went to the funeral. I went because there is a reward in attending a funeral and I also want people to pray for me when I die. Is that selfish? I'm glad I went because there weren't many people there and I figured we all can use every prayer we get, especially when we die. There's nothing more than can be done except pray for the deceased and hope that their stay in the grave is a comfortable one. 

I don't know her or her life story or her family, but I became pretty emotional. Death isn't easy to deal with. I've attended only a handful of funerals in my life and half of them were 3 of my grandparents'. The fourth I was too young to understand what was going on.

Anyways, everyone is going to die. We just don't know when. And I realized that I should make the most of my day, my hour, my minute, my second. I shouldn't squander my time on things and thoughts that don't matter. Living life to the fullest doesn't mean doing crazy things. I know people have a bucket list of things they want to do in their life, things they must do before they die. Some of those things include sky diving or something daring. That's fine, I have my own list of things I would love to see and do, but we should also try to include more meaningful things. Things that will leave an imprint on people's lives after we die. We should do things that make a difference, because honestly, after we're dead who is going to remember that we jumped out of a plane as a big milestone in our lives?

The prophet Muhammad Peace and blessing be upon him said, "Take advantage of five matters before five other matters: your youth, before you become old; and your health, before you fall sick; and your richness, before you become poor; and your free time before you become busy; and your life, before your death." This is so true. When I'm sick, I regret that I didn't get my work done when I could have. When I'm busy, I mentally kick myself for procrastinating, etc.

If you believe in the Hereafter then invest this time into it, because once we are gone, the only thing that will help you are your good deeds and the only thing that will harm you are your bad deeds. Nothing else, except a few things which can benefit: Muhammad Peace Be Upon Him said, "When a human being dies, all of his deeds are terminated except for three types: an ongoing Charity, a knowledge (of Islam) from which others benefit, and a righteous child who makes supplication for him." (Muslim and others).

So, if you put a water fountain somewhere and people drink from it, you will get the reward for supplying them with water. That's just an example of the first. 

If I can't do something great now, I know I need to work towards being able to do great things in the future. I just hope I can get there before I die and I hope I get an A for effort if I don't make it. 

I planned on writing something happier and less serious, but funerals make me sad. 

Half Married

I was married to a man who lives about 3 minutes from my parent's house. While I was thrilled to live nearby, I knew sometimes I'd want my distance.

Living close-by means getting to see my family at least once a week without any hassle. We attend the same mosque, generally know the same people, and all our family who live in Michigan live within a 5-10 minute drive.

That also means I cannot stay overnight as often, make shorter visits since I can "go over at anytime I want" theoretically. It's hard to plan things with just my husband and I. We'll get phone calls to go over and visit the parents.

The 3-minute distance is just enough distance to always need a ride (since I don't have my own car), have surprise visits, have to pick up phone calls at odd times to comfort tensions in the house, and get stuck in the middle of my old life as the "mediator."

Sometimes I feel half married. I still play an active role in my former home. I wonder what it'd be like to get away from both sides and start focusing more on myself and my future family.

I think I'll end up lonely (lol).

9/11 We Remember

The authors of Symphonic Discord reflect on 9/11. Our hearts go out to the 2,819 people who lost their lives. God bless.

Edit @ 3:17 p.m. 9/12/11


Youthful Wisdom:

Ten years ago this day I was sitting in third hour US Literature class. The morning went by unusually slower than most. I remember talking to some friends around me about some topic that was probably mundane. My teacher then called me aside and took me outside the class.

"Youthful Wisdom something happened today. Someone knocked down the Twin Towers. I want you to know that people might blame you or say things to you tomorrow. And even if you take your scarf off that you need to remain strong. Okay?"

What??? The Twin Towers? What do you mean someone knocked them down? Blame me?? But I was sitting right here in your class. Take off my scarf??? But I just started wearing two months ago and I love it! What the heck is going on??

I thanked my teacher for her advice and went back into the classroom. I can't explain the feeling inside of me except for it was extreme confusion. All my classmates stared at me silently as I walked back to my desk.

That afternoon we were left out early. No TVs were played at our middle school during school hours that morning. I walked home to find everyone in my family hovered around the kitchen table in fear and confusion watching the news. It was just like my teacher had said; someone knocked down the Twin Towers.

The days that followed things happened exactly like my teacher said they would. My own friends and classmates started looking at me different; I was the only identifiable Muslim girl at the school because of my scarf.

"Hey Youthful Wisdom why do YOUR people hate us so much?"

"Go back to your country bitch!"

"Hahaha I just pulled your scarf off! Whatchya gonna do huh??"

MY people? MY people are YOU but apparently I'm not one of you. And I don't have any country to go back to!! And if you pull off my scarf I'll take you to the principle!

Ten years later these memories come back to me. Memories of a time where my fellow Americans were attacked and where my Muslim American identity was attacked. It's a sad day in my mind representing injustice, misunderstandings, and hatred. But since then I've have positive experiences, including feedback from this blog, that make me truly believe that mutual understanding is possible. That people have the ability to look beyond the lies the media is feeding them and seek out truth for themselves.

May God guide us all and bring us to the Truth, wherever it may be. And may we all become vehicles of positive change and spiritual growth in our communities. Ameen.

Controlled Chaos:

With the 10th anniversary of September 11 upon us, that day has been circulating in my mind more so than it has in the past years. When I think back to that time I remember being confused and a little lost. I don't think a part of me had emotionally or completely understood what happened. And to be honest, I was also uncomfortable with the topic because of the first reaction I had gotten from a classmate.

That day and for many days to come, a student kept loudly declaring across the classroom that I should get my "uncle" to stop bombing our country. Even that statement registered slowly, it wasn't until the next morning that I understood that she was degrading me in front of the whole class and the teacher never did anything. I felt as though I was being indirectly blamed. Every time the topic came up I just wanted to disappear. It wasn't until months later that I felt my first annoyance at my teacher and especially at that student. I was a slow high-school student. And my emotions were even slower.

It wasn't until the following 9/11 anniversary, while I was looking at a full-page picture of the Twin Towers burning in my local newspaper, that I felt my first genuine, deep shock. In that picture, I realized I could see what looked like people, in midair... I thought of how it would feel to be in the same situation. It was a horrible cold feeling. That day I cried. I cried for everyone that had died and who had lost someone. I cried while I imagined what it must have felt like for all those who got caught up in that event. And I cried not knowing what I was supposed to do and frustrated at my own incompetence for the past year. It took me an entire year to register and emotionally understand September 11.

Before I completely understood what had happened, I 'borrowed' reactions of people around me. If someone joked, I joked. If someone got quiet, I got quiet.

For the past few days I've been contemplating ways to show my solidarity for the victims of that day. And besides praying I've come up short. I've considered lighting candles on my driveway and then wondered if the neighbors would take it the wrong way. I wondered about blogging about it but then feared peoples' responses during a time when emotions ran so high. In the end, I chose to blog truthfully. My thoughts go out to everyone affected by that day directly and indirectly both here and abroad. I truly hope the world becomes a better place for us all to live in. Ameen.

Softly Spoken:

I was in eighth grade when 9/11 happened. It didn't hit me that these events would lead to a revolt against American Muslims. I had always thought of myself as American as I was Muslim. I grew up as one of the only visible Muslims in school - but was very much respected - and now live in Detroit which has a good chunk of people who dress and worship like me.

In the 10 years after 9/11, the negative light on Islam and Muslims has grown brighter. It is also politically incorrect to stand by Muslims. The American Muslim community is starting to stand up and speak, some leaving behind traditional jobs and getting more involved in government, social services and journalism, to show a different perspective of practicing faith and living up to America's golden opportunities.

As American Muslims, we too mourn lost loved ones. We too cherish those who work to protect our safety. We condemn those who attacked the World Trade Center and The Pentagon in the so-called name of Islam. We chide those who make it difficult for American Muslims to retain their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We condemn those who stand divided. We stand united with all Americans, as Muslims, to live to the fullest in peace and equality. Amen.

Midweek pick-me-up (I always spell this differently)

Last week we celebrated Eid ul-Fitr, the Muslim holiday that follows the month of Ramadan. Because I've had a hectic week followed by a viral infection I hadn't uploaded these photos yet.

My Eid outfit

Bangles and perfume

Jewelry

Henna for my sister-in-law, done by me. It isn't as neat as it usually would be, as I had been putting it on other people for a few hours earlier that night. This was done at around two in the morning. 

Patience like Ayub

Two days ago I felt a "choking sensation," went to the hospital to get it checked out, and now am in the waiting process to see an ear nose and throat doctor (ENT) specialist after Labor Day weekend.

God tests us to see if we can withstand the difficulties He imposes on us, and if we become stronger in faith.

"And surely we try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and crops, but give glad-tidings to the steadfast, who when a misfortune befalls them, say lo! we are Allah's (possession of Allah) and to Him shall we surely return. · Such are they on whom are blessings from their Lord, and mercy. Such are the rightly-guided."  (2:155-157)

Ayub, (Job) the Prophet best known for his patience, was one of the 25 named prophets in the Quran.

He began with an abundance of health, wealth and children. Satan was convinced Ayub was only grateful to God due to his many blessings. Satan pleaded to God to test Ayub by taking these things away:

He lost his wealth.
The roof of his home fell and killed his family.
He lost his health; gnats chewed up his skin.
People left his side.
His wife who cared for him, left.

But he chose to be patient. He realized all his former possessions were gifts from God. He said, God had a right to take what He had granted.

At the very end when gnats were about to chew up Ayub's tongue, he prayed to keep the ability to remember God by worshiping with his tongue.

"Truly adversity has afflicted me and You are Most Merciful of all who show mercy." (21:83)

God then instructed him to bathe in a spring after striking a particular area of the ground with his foot. His illness was removed and his youth, family, and wealth were returned to him.

May  God give us the strength to bear the burdens that He entrusts us with.

Blobby Bobby

I logged on to blogger today to find everything changed. I like new things so I guess I'm not complaining. I just find it odd to be writing up a post in an unfamiliar setting. Ah well.

Anyways, I'm visiting my family for a few days. Every time I'm home I go into ultimate lazy mode. I am a complete blob and don't want to move or do anything. I just lie there like a wounded tiger. {I am a tiger according to the Chinese horoscope.}

I sleep in my brother and Sister-in-laws room since they don't live here; and my sister took my room after I got married and moved out. When I came I dropped all my junk right at the entrance of my brother's room and left it there. It hasn't moved since. And nothing can make me move it. Not even the number of complaints from my family members saying they've almost died tripping over my stuff.

I become a lethargic sloth at home. Not that I'm all busy at home with my husband. All I do there is sit at my desk and study all day. But man, am I neat. I'm Danny Tanner {the dad from Full House}. I study at a desk in my room and I can't study if my surroundings are messy. I can't focus at all. My mind will be on the messy bed, or the clothes lying around, or my makeup all over the dresser. I don't even wear makeup on a daily basis but it manages to take over my dresser every now and then.

Anyways, I am home and I am lazy. It feels good to be home. But why must I turn into a blob? I feel like a fatty cake. Anyways, this might be the most useless post I've ever written. But right now I feel pretty useless. Maybe I'll go clean something. yay.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

As the month of fasting for Muslims come to an end, we celebrate Eid. People dress up, visit their family and relatives, and kids collect envelopes of money from the adults.

I was annoyed that my previous Eids were ruined or non-existent because of school or other things in life. This Eid, I decided I was going to enjoy it regardless of anything that happens. And so I started by Eid shopping, because nothing translates to therapy like retail therapy ( or so I've been told).

And I forced myself to forget about school and delight in my finds.

I went to prayer at my local mosque content in being able to dress nicely and determined to focus on God. So far it has been a good Eid. A simple Eid. An Eid that doesn't translate to

receiving gifts like I did years before, or a perfect Eid, or an Eid without anything missing, but it's alhamdulillah an Eid.

For some reason, when I insist on showing my cat a picture in a book, she'll want to look everywhere but the book. If I lower the picture to her line of vision, she'll lower her vision to below the book. And if I lower it more, she'll insist on lowering her eyes more.

It's like a game. That I lose. Every. Single. Time.

HAPPY EID EVERYONE !!!!!!!

God and boys

The blessed month of Ramadan is almost coming to a close. Its so sad to see the days slipping away. I keep looking back and trying to figure out what I accomplished this month. I feel like I just let the month pass me by without taking advantage of it.

The whole purpose of the month was to become God conscious people. If we were to think of God frequently we'd constantly be able to put ourselves, our actions, and our behaviors in check. The minute we forget God we start to forget ourselves.

God says in a verse I absolutely love in the Qur'aan:

وَلَا              تَكُونُوا كَالَّذِينَ      نَسُوا   اللَّهَ      فَأَنسَاهُمْ أَنفُسَهُمْ ۚ

 أُولَٰئِكَ هُمُ   الْفَاسِقُونَ

And be not like those who forgot God, so He made them forget themselves. Those are the defiantly disobedient. [59:19]

Its such a beautiful thought to know that if you know God you'll know yourself. You'll know who you are, where you're from, where you're going, your purpose, etc. 

On another note...I've had something on my mind for a while now and I need to vent... so here it goes. 

Gender relations in Islam has always been a touchy subject. How do Muslims interact with the opposite gender? We know that we can't have pre-marital sex or anything else that leads up to that including dating as we know it today. Okay, what about having platonic relationships? There's different opinions on the topic. I personally went from having many guy friends, to not having any platonic relationships with them in college, to where I'm at now. I take the opinion that its fine to have friendships so long as both parties know their limits. We're all mature adults here and should know whats appropriate and not appropriate right? 

Apparently not. Since I've been married hubs and I have hung out with many different crews of people. And in terms of mixed gatherings (both genders hanging out) I've noticed such a huge difference between singles and married people. Sorry to all my single girls...I'm about to call people out. 

Older married couples that we've hung out with are so mature in their way of interacting with the opposite gender. Whenever we hang out with couples there's always interesting conversation and everyone is usually comfortable and like themselves. 

Lately though the gatherings I went to with a bunch of single friends ...maan let me tell you. People do NOT act like themselves. I've noticed this over the years and even in myself in the past. Put a guy in a room and girls will start acting differently. I remember once a guy friend of mine was with his other friend and they were acting normally. Then a girl walked by and he punched the other guy and starting joking louder. His friend called him out and said, "man, how you gon start acting all tough when a chick walks by." I was cracckinng up but its so true for so many people. 

Sometimes I see girls talking louder and acting all giddy and all I can think is "OMG SHUTTUP AND BE YOURSELF PLEASE!" I don't know if its because people are trying to get married or because people want attention especially if the person is attractive? Who knows. But to my all my ladies out there...please don't do that because its foolish and looks it.

Oh and another thing to vent about... to my single ladies...PLEASE do not mess around with immature boys who do not know how to man up. These little college guys and even older are running around acting like they're 17 trying to hook up with girls like they're game and then they pull the "I-really-do-want-to-get-married card." No homeboy, you just want some ass. And when these little boys hang out with you and tell you you're beautiful and what not TRUST ME they are talking about you with other guys. 

Best advice I ever got when I was single was from a male acquaintance of mine who said, "If a brother isn't man enough to go to your parents right now then he's a boy thats not worth your time." Hubs called up my dad barely a week after we started talking. Now thats a man. 

Okay I think my vent is done. Here were the key points:

1. Don't forget God, you'll forget your sense of self

2. Stop acting different when the opposite gender is present...just be yourself

3. Do not waste your time on little boys who need to man up ... they'll use you, talk about you, and leave you 

The end. I apologize if I offended anyone! I just need to get this off my chest. 

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. {from P.S. I Love You}

I was just thinking about how a little kindness can go a LONG way.

It is now my goal in life to smile when I make eye intact with someone. Or do something nice for a stranger if the opportunity arises. You never know how far that little gesture can go and turn a persons horrible day upside down.

It also might make people more aware of the fact that a little random act of kindness can go a long way. Maybe they'll pay if forward.  And maybe it'll spread and maybe eventually people won't hate on each other for no reason and the world will be good again. Was it ever good?

Anyways, because the world is ugly and selfish, I decided to try and do random good things. And to count my blessings and the beauty around me. If I post it here maybe it'll make me more aware of the good stuff in my life and stop my complaining.

Today's good things:

1. Grape leaves. Someone made them. I don't know who. People either hate them or love them. I love.

2. Tests. They make me smarter.

3. I don't like surprises when I know one's coming, but they're fun.

4. Annnnd this. WTHeck??

Shibly, the man of cheer

My sister-in-law went on vacation to England to see her family: an uncle, three brothers, and several cousins. Her brother Shibly escorted her and her three kids home.

I briefly spoke to him on the phone many times, while I received and delivered the phone to my sister-in-law.

During those conversations he would joke: You sound like a little girl ha ha ha! (in the gentlest way) I could not help but laugh with him. He told me how he loved my son's name, named after one of the companions of the Prophet Muhammad who's name means "abundance" in Arabic.  And he would encourage me to keep good relations with his sibling who I live with, as a gesture of keeping it real. 

And there he was, in person.

Everyday for a week, Shibly attracted guests, neighbors, and family members to our home. He would sit on the couch and literally all you would hear would be him talking followed by a heartfelt good laugh. Laid back, easy-going and friendly he would generate and carry-on even the dullest of conversations.

For example, my father-in-law asked him, "Is your wife older or is your (younger) brother's wife older?" His wife is older.

Shibly, who has been married for about a decade doesn't have any children, brought a handful of toys for the kids to play with. His wife and he are trying to conceive. They have been trying.

One day while he sat on the couch in the living room, he talked about the treasure of mothers.

A summary of what he said:

Child services are so expensive. In England you could get paid about 350 pounds a week in foster care, or $700. That's a lot of money. On the other hand, a mother doesn't get paid anything. For some women who chose to work (full-time) rob themselves the joy of raising their children and giving them a peace of mind. They are not only expected to bring home money but they are also expected to start their second full-time job as soon as they get home: homemaker and mother. They are on a short-end. Some cannot stand it when their children make noise. When they are excited and loud. By the second time, the kids are in trouble.

For others, mothers leave primary child-rearing to their mothers/mother-in-laws, and that is for free. What do the grandparents get in return? Nothing. Not a payment nor a gift (he meant in general child-caring is just expected of them). Yet childcare is worth at least $700 a week, per child.

All this made me think. I finished my undergrad last December and haven't been "seriously" looking for a job. One of my reasons is to care for my infant son. As a writer, I can find jobs online jobs and petty things. Most of my services end up being for free.

I'm afraid of just what Shibly described; losing precious much-needed time with my son.

I am guilty of leaving my child with his grandparents while I went to school, which I justified through a pre-marriage talk of continuing my education after marriage. I also justified that while he was a baby he wouldn't "miss me as much" or "need as much care" rather than when he was older. It would also be harder for me to leave him home once he was older and understood I was leaving him behind. I was afraid I'd be less motivated to continue my education if I gave up just then (I was in my 3rd year of college when I was pregnant.)

When I was pregnant I thought about giving it all up. At the time I was taking full-time credits, doing an internship and transitioning from single college life to married college life. I was dealing with living in a multi-family multi-complex home. I still live there.

But then I came to my senses. One of my favorite verses in the Quran is: " No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. (2:233)" This verse has given me the strength to carry on every time the road looked rough. God tests us to make us stronger and to bring us closer to Him.

"Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. (64:15)" Subhanallah, Glorious is Allah. 


As parents, our reward on Earth is already mentioned in the Quran too...good treatment and respect from our children.


"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims. (46:15)"

Sometimes we need people who don't have children to remind us of the gifts we have, and the blessings we take for granted.