When something bad happens in your life, it can either break you, define you or strengthen you. I'm not sure where that paraphrased quote is from, but it's amazing the truth it sums in one sentence.
Now I'm not claiming to be struggling with a life changing experience. And it's true, everyone has their own problems. And everyone deals with them.
I read somewhere once if everyone were to put their problems in the middle of the room together, in front of everyone else, they would happily take back their own problems. Maybe it's because our own problems are the ones we are comfortable with or maybe it's because as the Islamic saying goes, God only gives that which you can handle. Or maybe it's a little of both.
Now I've had my fair share of struggles. Minor ones, and maybe from other peoples' perspectives more minor ones. But growing up with constant, multiple stressors bearing down on you is not fun. I went through most of my life feeling as though there was a very heavy bag of bricks on my back and I just couldn't get rid of it. And much of the time, it felt as though there were several bags. But I was pretty good, and I used to make myself forget about those bags of bricks when I needed to.
If you know me, and you're going through your own trials, you may question the reality or severity of my stressors or if you know me you may know about some of those bags of bricks. I've never felt the need to discuss or openly divulge about everything in my heart and mind, but I have come close. I never felt the need, because for me it was stress, no matter how suffocating, that belonged to me alone and I was never one to ever feel defeated or beaten down enough to confess everything. Even in times when my emotions would catch me off guard, and I would be caught in feelings of sadness or weariness, I believed that the only one that can make me feel better is me. And so I would pick myself up and move on, in my own topsy turvy way.
Along came professional school. And stupid, petty stressors seem to be consuming my life. Whatever I face in school, these petty frustrations, are truly idiotic in comparison with what I had to deal with emotionally growing up. Yet here I am, in my second year, recognizing that feeling of defeat, loss and frustration that have become too familiar to me. And I'm seeing the effects of these feelings in my life.
I see myself pushing many of my friends out. Looking for places and ways to heal in my own solitude. Wanting to be isolated but at the same time not wanting to lose those around me. I try harder to hold on to some of them but it's weird.
If it wasn't for my cat and where I was before school began, I think I would be losing myself to the negativeness in my life a lot faster.
I thank God for my cat.
My friend told me something over the phone a few days ago, "Allah is helping you, you just can't see it"
And it took me a few minutes after that phone call for that sentence to strike me. And I've repeated it to myself several times since. And I believe it, I really do.
As I take a look around right now at everyone around me, I reflect on how everyone really has their own problems to deal with, and we each struggle in our own way.
EDIT: This post has been edited. I'm sorry this post is so dampy. And if you've been checking back over and over again, I'm sorry about the repetitive changes.
And yes, you do have permission to use that incredibly, creative word.