Thursday, September 30, 2010
When I was 10 someone made fun of my leotard in ballet class. I don't remember the specific person, but I remember how what she said had made me feel. This wasn't some random memory coming up like, oh I remember when .. no. I was sitting in meditation for I think my 30th or so hour out of my 100 hour course and the feelings of hurt and pain surfaced up from an insult that had happened a decade ago. This type of situation happened over and over again. We get so used to stuffing down things that bother us that we don't realize that we still harbor all of that negativity and pain from the past. I went on a 10 day Vipassana course here in Dubai. It was situated up out in the desert surrounded by desolate mountains. It was the most intense experience of my life. Total and complete self-assessment. During these 10 days we lived in noble silence, i.e. no speaking, no gesturing, no looking each other in the eye. It was solely an individual experience. My roommate was from chicago and before the noble silence took place we were reminiscing on the greatest pizza orgasm we ever had(pizza in dubai sucks). The course was like bootcamp for the soul, 10 hrs every day we sat in meditation and my butt protested every hour of every day. My back would complain at being forced ramrod straight and my feet would go numb in silent protest, but every day I worked. I worked because I wanted to rid myself of the pain I have pushed far down within myself. I was tired of reacting to life, reacting out of fear, anger, frustration. Vipassana taught me equanimity, it taught me how to live life with real happiness, happiness from within. Not happiness from people, or things. Am I perfect now? No. The day I got back, $@#% exploded in my face and I really had to test the mettle of my meditation, but I see progress as reacting possibly 10 times out of 10 situations with anger, but one time- not reacting. One time, being able to become the observer.