Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Column of Narcissism with No Refunds

Hello there

This is controlled chaos with a!!!!!
:::crowd cheers::::

If you haven't checked out his posts. You really should. He's hilarious. And we wanted to share his hilarity with everyone out there.

And I promised him followers if he guest posted for us.

Haha no I lie. Completely.
But this is what he said:

So I set my post linking to yours to go up around noon tomorrow, so I predict by noon and three seconds, you will have the most popular blog on the planet and also will have multiple book deals thrown your way!

And preferred restaurant seating!

And discounts on girl scout cookies!

And free eggs from local grocers!


While the popularity part would be really cool, let's be serious here, who cares about that if you can have free eggs from Kroger. As long as they're not being thrown at me.

Truthfully, it's the promise of cookies that I will be holding him to. Girl scout cookies are so yummy. If I don't get a single offer I'm asking all of you to start a spam movement against him.

So with the risk of him being spammed, I present to you Mr. I'm not benny's guest post!

(Oh and P.S. Fat Pogo and Blind Shana are his dogs...I think)

I spent twenty minutes looking for my keys this morning and they were in my back pocket the whole time.

I'm pretty sure that qualifies me for some sort of state aid for the mentally incompetent.


Usually in the morning when the alarm goes off and I'm still half asleep, I grab the remote and turn the TV on to MSNBC and listen for a while before I get up. Last night my DVR recorded something and so the TV was on a different channel.

So I press the power button, and am instantly bombarded with the sound of:

- about ten pre-teen girls screaming at the top of their lungs.

- Fat Pogo rolling of the bed and crashing to the floor.

- Blind Shana freaking out, jumping straight into the new vertical window blinds I just put up, and then turning and smashing into the night table.

Then the remote got tangled up in the bedsheets and I couldn't get it out, so I jumped out of bed to run to the TV and turn it off, but I'm wearing these over-sized pajama pants because they only cost six dollars, and when I took a step the legs of the pajamas were way past where my foot actually is, so I stepped on the pajamas and tripped and fell to the floor and landed on top of Fat Pogo.

Dear makers of the Barbie Pink Ticket Party commercial,

I'm pretty sure if I ever see any of you walking down the street I'm going to run you over in my car.

Sincerely, ImnotBenny,


Dear Blind Shana,

I don't care if you're blind. Pooping in the driveway right in front of my car door makes you a jerk.




So my buddy Kevin came over last weekend, which was pretty cool since I don't get a chance to see any of my friends anymore since I'm always studying.

Kevin: "Man, I wish I would have remembered to bring that new Rambo movie with me."

Me: "I haven't seen it yet- how was it?"

Kevin: "Pretty good. I feel like watching a movie. Hey, what's that one?"

So if your friend who was just wishing that he could watch Rambo asks what movie you have from Netflix that you left sitting on top of your cable box, you will have to tell him that it is a World War Two documentary that you can't even watch because it was cracked when it got here, because if you tell your friend who wants to watch Rambo that what you actually ordered from Netflix is a copy of Fiddler on the Roof, there is a good chance that he will beat you up and you will pretty much have to take it.


I just flipped on the news, and the first thing I heard was:

"It's nothing more than a watered down bill written on Republican toilet paper!"

Then I turned the TV back off because there's no way to top that.


Some lady from a collection agency keeps calling my new cell phone and asking for Todd. I've told her a couple of times that I am not, in fact, Todd, and this is a new cell phone so please stop calling me. I've told her this twice already.

Today she called again.

I've decided that the next time she calls I'm going to tell her that yes, "I AM TODD, I'VE BEEN TODD THIS WHOLE TIME, AND I'M NEVER GOING TO PAY! NEVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then I'm going to hang up.


I like to watch the Asian channel because it's oddly entertaining to me, and I figured that I would eventually learn flawless Chinese this way.

It's become obvious to me over time that every single person in China speaks gibberish.


So Blind Shana has vestibular, which is a nerve disorder that causes her to lose balance, and she constantly has to hold her head cocked to the side, plus her eyes sort of point slightly away from each other. She looks like a cartoon.

It's pretty sweet.

She basically spends her entire day walking around like she's drunk and bumping into things. Most of the time, I keep an eye on her and can catch her before she walks into a wall or a guest, and I'll sort of yell "OOP" and she'll veer away, or "There you go" when she hesitates, so she knows it's okay to keep going.

I have a remote control dog.

I'm trying to figure out the right pattern of yelling so she will go to the kitchen and return with a sandwich.


Conversations with Fat Pogo, part 982

Fat Pogo: "Tim, I need to talk to you about something important."

Me: "What is it, Chubbs? If you're planning on asking about treats, the answer is no."

Fat Pogo: ".....Why must you always demean me? I wanted to talk about Shana."

Me: "Shana can't have a treat either, and even if she could I would not let you carry it to her."

Fat Pogo: "You realize you're affecting my self esteem with your mockery, don't you?"

Me: Sigh, "Okay, Chubbs, what do you want to talk about?"

Fat Pogo: "I'm worried about Shana's health. She's too skinny. I think she needs to eat more."

Me: "What do you mean? Shana's fine. It's nice of you to be concerned, though. I'm proud of you, Chubbs."

Fat Pogo: "Well, I still think she should eat more. You should make her eat more."

Me: "....Why?"

Fat Pogo: "Well, I was watching this movie earlier, and these people crashed in a plane on top of a mountain, and they were starving and had to eat each other. What happens if we get snowed in this winter? Shana has no meat on her."

Me: "......"

Fat Pogo: "......"

Me: "Go away, Chubbs."

Fat Pogo: "You know, you won't be so flippant about this when we are snowed in and staring at each other while holding forks, and you're all: Wow, I wish Shana was meatier. Woe is me."

Me: "GO."

Fat Pogo: "Fine, I'll go......I'm really more concerned for YOU, you know..... maybe we should try to get on Judge Judy and let her decide which one of us is right. She's smart."

Me: "You're not allowed to watch TV any more. Go away."

Fat Pogo: "Okay, but the forecast calls for snow. I hope you know what you're doing."



Constructive Attitude said...

Ok Imnotbenny, so this botswana music is pretty catchy. I like it now :)

And those oranges reminded me of some people. haha

and I really hope that lady calls you again just so you can tell her that you wont be paying her.hahaha

and last but not least, you are pretty awesome. Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

Not The Rockefellers said...

Thank You! I am now alive with Botswanan pleasure!

Peace ~ Rene

Blind Shana + Fat Pogo

that happy/sad fruit pair

I'mnotBenny and better fitting pajama's

Balance, it's all about balance

Artistic Logic said...

oh god

you should change your name to everybody loves benny or something

cause you're hilarious

and i want to see blind shana in person... but not at night... cause it might be scary?

rennratt said...

INB, You SLAY me, dude.

In the best, nonviolent and random of ways, too.

I am in desperate need of seeing an up close picture of Blind Shana. I want to make it my screen saver at work.

Dutch donut girl said...

Haha, another classis post from Todd. Um, I mean Imnotbenny!
I have seen the movie 'Alive' six billion times. Does this mean I'm into cannibalism?

Anonymous said...

So random but I <3 it

abbersnail said...

Tim, you are my favorite!!!

Sarah P said...

I feel your Todd pain. I've had the same phone number for five years and collection agencies continue to harass Douglas Mullikin on this number. Apparently, he owes some people some people, right?

Mark said...

Funny stuff! Need comic relief as often as possible.

otherworldlyone said...

The netflix thing was great.

Every time I read about your dogs, I laugh my ass off.

Mrs. Cullen said...

ur funnny=)

kirstyb said...

defo gonna check out his blog x

Tennyson ee Hemingway said...

I don't want to know where all this stuff comes from, because I'm afraid that, if I know, it'll stop and there'll go all my fun.

provoking invoking said...

HA! fiddler on the roof! cute

and blind shana is fascinating

you should be in a movie. "look who's talking now.. ok now... now!" or something.

Lei:) said...

I love you're posts! They are so ingenious and a great LOL